poor realization that doesn't need to be realized.

A quick realization I made few minutes ago is that I do not have talent at anything whatsoever. I always believed that I do have a talent at learning languages just because I enjoy learning it, not that I am superior to anyone on it or anything. I saw soorin's video today and heard her English. It was damn good. I mean, it was similar to stephanie's English which also is fluent and that with barely no accent. When Christina told me she has no accent, I was shocked, well, rather I want to put it in to word 'appalled' because I want to speak better English than hers. Do I just strive to prove I have talent, at least, at one thing? or Do I just want to be better than others. I don't know. That's the question which confuses me so damn bad.

It makes sense that their English has got to be better than mine because they came to the states way earlier than I did. They may hung out with American only compared to me who was pretty much loner at first time in Oregon. Gosh, I tried, though. Okay, Maybe not. It doesn't really matter, though. I still want to be better. I still want to speak fucking good English than them. I want to succeed. And, in my perspective, success in America is related to proficient English skill. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Because of English, why do my talent have to be belittled? I am very talented young Korean girl who knows what I want to do in my life. I want to become school psychologist. That's all; not an artist who eats dream to grow, fucking doctor, lawyer whose money rolls across their room, and all sorts of jobs I don't want and I don't need. It would be hell good to have those jobs because money comes to my hand. But, I know I don't want it from my heart. Insicere and meaningless job is not worth to get. I want to have a job that I want to do for rest of my lifetime.

So, I got off on tangent. Sorry about that. I started this from speaking of English and how I felt misery about realization of lack of my talent on language. Well, maybe it could be hasty generalization. Part of my reason to be shy and introvert, I am good at writing essay. I am good at analyzing stuff in English. I am trying to think in English pretty much everytime. One thing that hinders my English improvement could be my personality, fucking self-consciousness. Other than that, 2 year of English learning, well, to be specific, maybe 1 year of interval between that, my English is so damn good for now. It will be better by tomorrow and day after tomorrow. I believe so. I am trying to believe so. My heart for language has grew bigger than my misery and depression grown on me. I can't give up untill I get sick of language and throw it up to the hill or something... but, I'm still depressed for some reasons. I know I will never get rid of this accent. This is like when I worry about my height that I can never solve because it's already set up on my body due to power of genes. I won't be able to do something on which I was born with. All I can do is to find a midway solution for it. And, what could be the solution, then? Just accept the fact that my English is never gonna be as good as theirs?