combination of mad-ness and sad-ness

well. to start this off, i should mention how much i hate my sister. she's just crazy. she's out of her mind sometimes. how scary it is that sometimes 'sometimes' refer to 'forever'. she is my sister. i love her sometimes. but i hate her more than anything sometimes. what should i do after all, though. she's my sister no matter what happens unless i was born before her or my mom decided abortion of her. i can't break a relationship between me and her just because we are doomed to be sister forever by blood, that damn blood. i almost got in fight with her right after mom and younger sis left for ulsan. she wanted to meet this younger-than-her boy without any consolation with me. that made me a little bit annoyed first, and then she went, "he speaks better english than you. so don't worry about meeting him. he's pretty easy to be friend." what the heck? i didn't want her to say that kind of thing. i mean, my english may not be 'the perfect' one. but i have always been proud of my english and when someone breaks in my realm of pride, then i go freaking mad, no kidding, i reall do get upset. it would be much better to not make me mad when someone mention i look uglier than someone. that can still hurt me greatly, but it wouldn't as much as someone talk bad about my english. english is my passion. i live for learning languages. when gotten so frustrated and depressed about this world, i still manage to live because there are so many languages to learn of. it's too sad to end the life when i haven't learned at least 5 languages. i can barely speak 4 languages.. that's really making me sad. adding to that, being able to speak some languages doesn't directly mean that one can speak the languages perfectly or fluently. i speak korean perfectly becuase it's god damn native language. i speak english somewhat fluently because even though there's inaccuracies all over my english, i can still manage to deliver whatever i want to say to american people. i speak japanese with good pronunciation and hardly any accent. i speak french with lots of mistakes and it's not even in intermidiate level yet. i'm still suffering from elementary french and sad thing is i don't even know am i going to really study french hard enough because i don't take french class anymore. but, yeah, still the reason you live a life is because you've got a passion. without a passion, life is worthless and meaningless. you will never know which way you are heading to or which goal you are pursuing for, when you do something with no passion. especically, if you are playing some kind of instrument, no passion will put you into some musical academy teacher, not making you a great musician. ;( isn't it sad? you play fucking hard to get in music school with scholarships, and then you become some kind of baggar. well, not that i mean teachers are boring and tedious job or something. but it doesn't give you money. right? it won't do any good to you when thinking of it. you pay hella lot of money for music, and then get paid for nothing. then, it's misery rather than pleasure. so, who knows whose life. you only know it and your passion has to do something for your life. my passion obviously isn't a medical school thingy. i am interested in what? i don't even know. my interests go to languages.. but i never can speak english or japanese with no accent. it often frustrates me. julia, one of soorin's friend in parsons, won the first prize in writing competition, and she is not even a native english speaker. competing with a lot of english major and native english speakers, she won the competition. well, more than that, she got a gut to turn in her essay to admission office. i couldn't have done that probably... because i usually preassume that my english sucks and admission offciers might laugh at me due to fucking deluded my english. but, i am not english native speaker. it's gotta be really hard to speak good speaker for american people. i've gotta be really proud of myself for being able to speak 4 languages although not perfect yet. i am afraid, though, to make mistakes and being laughed at, since i've got a lot of experiences and terrible memories of being fun of. i am scared to make it happen again because it's bitter thing to experience, or even feel it imagine it. my goal so from today on is to be braver than i have been. to believe in myself with full of love for myself has been a great deal of my goal but now i turn it off for a while becuase it hasn't made any effects yet, which is, yes, frustrating and depressing me. i will still work on it for sure because it is something i set for life time goal; but i am just saying i am giving it a break for a while. i just don't have time for thinking two things at the same time, or it could mean a lack of my ability to do 2 things at once. the fact there are always people who do things i aspire for when i can't inspires me to the great extent. yet i want to be like them, i still want to be more special than them? yeah. i know. it's kinda absurd to look for them and look for bigger myself at the same time. but, i am still living in self-egocentrism maybe? haha. well, i will write later. too much words are sick to look at and chew for.