young, is it a problem?

I always thought being young is something you'd feel proud of or you can brag about. Nothing falls down as a reason why I thought so. I can't think any of 'em. But, somewhat I had kept thinking so, until now. Now that I got job at English private institution, being young is something you have to avoid to let others know by any means. The kids there can think you easy or something so treat you really bad. They asked me how old I am. So, I just gave them right answer. And, the head teacher 'princess' was like, "you are not supposed to tell them your real age. It'd be better to just tell them you are 25 years old or something" I know she is right. She has more experience on this case. But, I still felt very embarrased. I felt helpless about it, about my age, being young as I am. Okay, gosh, I want to be 25 years old right now if I can.
So far, I had a chance to teach 4 classes. Well, how was it? It was hard. Not just hard, but really takes lots of energy out of me. First class was for young kids like 8 to 9 years old girls and boys. It wasn't that hard. They didn't really understand my English when I spoke in uncontrollably fast speed. But, they listened to me and paid attention on the class not like the Second class kids. Students in the second class were composed of 10 years and 11 years old boys and girls. They were fucking brats. They didn't listen to me once, just did whatever they wanted to do. They were rude as well. It really pissed me off when they spoke up and all screamed at the same time. One girl even cried at the last minute of class because she lost the game so that couldn't get the sticker which is equivalent to money. I don't even think about them anymore. They were the best at being the devil!!! The third class was definitely better than other classes I took before it. They were mostly in the last year of elementary school, so it was easy to teach them, except one girl was really crazy keeping the whole class distracted by her unnecessary and weird behaviors. The last class was TEPS class. So, they were the top student in the academy. It helped me because they REALLY listened to me. However, the problem this time was not them, but me. I couldn't teach them really well due to my English or Korean skill. Argh. I hate it! Like, I really know what those all mean in English, but I can't help not knowing equivalent Korean words for them. I struggled a lot for this class, and I guess it won't let me go away from struggles unless I don't teach this class anymore.
The experience in English academy in Korea doesn't end in here because I have 2 more months to fully experience. I'm quite scared. But, who knows? I can maybe do much better or I can be fired today or tomorrow...sooner or later. But, this can surely be really a good experience for me, at least I hope!

Yikes!

Life has been cool so far. I got Lasik surgery and I got new sight. I'm happy as I can be, yet I feel like I'm still missing something very important in my life. But, yeah, I am obviously happier than before when I was absolute blind. Back to the Lasik surgery, it was, oh, shit, scary! I was not even nervous about the surgery. Come on, I've never had any operation or surgery before in my life. Well, except probably when I was really little and had that bruise on my head so that it had to be stitched 12 times. I barely remember the moment of surgery, though. So, it doesn't count as real surgery experience. This apparently was my first time to have something big operation as television drama shows. Going into the operation room, and doctors and nurses all wearing some green or blue gown and mask; that was what the first impression of surgery was. And, I thought, well, it could be fun and exciting somehow. That's why I wasn't nervous at all. Guess what? It didn't last long. I was really nervous when I laid down on the operation bed. It was the scariest time in my life so far. Doctor said I need to keep looking at one razor point and it was really hard when my sight was gone completely. It was all blank with one red radar. I went unsure whether if I was looking still at the point or lost my concentration. Besides of it, it really hurt, especially for the first 2 minutes or so. The worst part is that I could really see what was going on with my own eyes since I still had the vision. But, the surgery was successful, anyway. And, I'm pretty happy about it except I need to take care of my eyes seriously. I might not be allowed to do computer right now. It's been an hour and 28 minutes since I turned on the computer. Gosh, I need a computer.

poor realization that doesn't need to be realized.

A quick realization I made few minutes ago is that I do not have talent at anything whatsoever. I always believed that I do have a talent at learning languages just because I enjoy learning it, not that I am superior to anyone on it or anything. I saw soorin's video today and heard her English. It was damn good. I mean, it was similar to stephanie's English which also is fluent and that with barely no accent. When Christina told me she has no accent, I was shocked, well, rather I want to put it in to word 'appalled' because I want to speak better English than hers. Do I just strive to prove I have talent, at least, at one thing? or Do I just want to be better than others. I don't know. That's the question which confuses me so damn bad.

It makes sense that their English has got to be better than mine because they came to the states way earlier than I did. They may hung out with American only compared to me who was pretty much loner at first time in Oregon. Gosh, I tried, though. Okay, Maybe not. It doesn't really matter, though. I still want to be better. I still want to speak fucking good English than them. I want to succeed. And, in my perspective, success in America is related to proficient English skill. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Because of English, why do my talent have to be belittled? I am very talented young Korean girl who knows what I want to do in my life. I want to become school psychologist. That's all; not an artist who eats dream to grow, fucking doctor, lawyer whose money rolls across their room, and all sorts of jobs I don't want and I don't need. It would be hell good to have those jobs because money comes to my hand. But, I know I don't want it from my heart. Insicere and meaningless job is not worth to get. I want to have a job that I want to do for rest of my lifetime.

So, I got off on tangent. Sorry about that. I started this from speaking of English and how I felt misery about realization of lack of my talent on language. Well, maybe it could be hasty generalization. Part of my reason to be shy and introvert, I am good at writing essay. I am good at analyzing stuff in English. I am trying to think in English pretty much everytime. One thing that hinders my English improvement could be my personality, fucking self-consciousness. Other than that, 2 year of English learning, well, to be specific, maybe 1 year of interval between that, my English is so damn good for now. It will be better by tomorrow and day after tomorrow. I believe so. I am trying to believe so. My heart for language has grew bigger than my misery and depression grown on me. I can't give up untill I get sick of language and throw it up to the hill or something... but, I'm still depressed for some reasons. I know I will never get rid of this accent. This is like when I worry about my height that I can never solve because it's already set up on my body due to power of genes. I won't be able to do something on which I was born with. All I can do is to find a midway solution for it. And, what could be the solution, then? Just accept the fact that my English is never gonna be as good as theirs?

combination of mad-ness and sad-ness

well. to start this off, i should mention how much i hate my sister. she's just crazy. she's out of her mind sometimes. how scary it is that sometimes 'sometimes' refer to 'forever'. she is my sister. i love her sometimes. but i hate her more than anything sometimes. what should i do after all, though. she's my sister no matter what happens unless i was born before her or my mom decided abortion of her. i can't break a relationship between me and her just because we are doomed to be sister forever by blood, that damn blood. i almost got in fight with her right after mom and younger sis left for ulsan. she wanted to meet this younger-than-her boy without any consolation with me. that made me a little bit annoyed first, and then she went, "he speaks better english than you. so don't worry about meeting him. he's pretty easy to be friend." what the heck? i didn't want her to say that kind of thing. i mean, my english may not be 'the perfect' one. but i have always been proud of my english and when someone breaks in my realm of pride, then i go freaking mad, no kidding, i reall do get upset. it would be much better to not make me mad when someone mention i look uglier than someone. that can still hurt me greatly, but it wouldn't as much as someone talk bad about my english. english is my passion. i live for learning languages. when gotten so frustrated and depressed about this world, i still manage to live because there are so many languages to learn of. it's too sad to end the life when i haven't learned at least 5 languages. i can barely speak 4 languages.. that's really making me sad. adding to that, being able to speak some languages doesn't directly mean that one can speak the languages perfectly or fluently. i speak korean perfectly becuase it's god damn native language. i speak english somewhat fluently because even though there's inaccuracies all over my english, i can still manage to deliver whatever i want to say to american people. i speak japanese with good pronunciation and hardly any accent. i speak french with lots of mistakes and it's not even in intermidiate level yet. i'm still suffering from elementary french and sad thing is i don't even know am i going to really study french hard enough because i don't take french class anymore. but, yeah, still the reason you live a life is because you've got a passion. without a passion, life is worthless and meaningless. you will never know which way you are heading to or which goal you are pursuing for, when you do something with no passion. especically, if you are playing some kind of instrument, no passion will put you into some musical academy teacher, not making you a great musician. ;( isn't it sad? you play fucking hard to get in music school with scholarships, and then you become some kind of baggar. well, not that i mean teachers are boring and tedious job or something. but it doesn't give you money. right? it won't do any good to you when thinking of it. you pay hella lot of money for music, and then get paid for nothing. then, it's misery rather than pleasure. so, who knows whose life. you only know it and your passion has to do something for your life. my passion obviously isn't a medical school thingy. i am interested in what? i don't even know. my interests go to languages.. but i never can speak english or japanese with no accent. it often frustrates me. julia, one of soorin's friend in parsons, won the first prize in writing competition, and she is not even a native english speaker. competing with a lot of english major and native english speakers, she won the competition. well, more than that, she got a gut to turn in her essay to admission office. i couldn't have done that probably... because i usually preassume that my english sucks and admission offciers might laugh at me due to fucking deluded my english. but, i am not english native speaker. it's gotta be really hard to speak good speaker for american people. i've gotta be really proud of myself for being able to speak 4 languages although not perfect yet. i am afraid, though, to make mistakes and being laughed at, since i've got a lot of experiences and terrible memories of being fun of. i am scared to make it happen again because it's bitter thing to experience, or even feel it imagine it. my goal so from today on is to be braver than i have been. to believe in myself with full of love for myself has been a great deal of my goal but now i turn it off for a while becuase it hasn't made any effects yet, which is, yes, frustrating and depressing me. i will still work on it for sure because it is something i set for life time goal; but i am just saying i am giving it a break for a while. i just don't have time for thinking two things at the same time, or it could mean a lack of my ability to do 2 things at once. the fact there are always people who do things i aspire for when i can't inspires me to the great extent. yet i want to be like them, i still want to be more special than them? yeah. i know. it's kinda absurd to look for them and look for bigger myself at the same time. but, i am still living in self-egocentrism maybe? haha. well, i will write later. too much words are sick to look at and chew for.

semester is over

Semester is over. Grades I've achieved this semester seem not that bad if to consider I've got awful grades last semester. Darn. I've struggled through this semesester more than I did in last semester, though. With some professors difficult to deal with, I somehow had to work so hard to impress them..... except I didn't really. Haha. Well, it is still true that I had some really strict and stubborn professors such as Dr.Parker or Dr.Siewert. They are both super nice people and they are very open-minded which is quite important to me when judging people if they are worth becoming friends or not. I learned a lot from both classes which are Elementary French and American National Government. I especially become interested in politics a little bit more than I used to be. So, all are good after all. Not everything can satisfy me as I learned this semester. However, if you try harder, it would benefit you even a little bit. I realized that I don't always need to be satisfied with everything I do. I sometimes need regrets over something so that I can learn from it and grow up a little bit. You can acknolwedge your weakness from your mistakes. It is really hard to be found out by little efforts from success. Because success usually keeps you roaming in a dream for unlimited time. So, I want to think it good way. ;) a way to keep me from arrogance and senseless dreams and full of dramas.