January 9th Sick and Tired

I'm sick and tired. I really am in the state like that. There's only 3 days left until I leave for U.S.A. and it suddenly makes me very nervous even though it's not first time. I worry about all the things that would not happen if it's not meant to. I may have an anxiety disorder. It's very likely. But, the thing is I don't want to take a medicine for that because it somehow make me look like psycho. I don't want to go back to the states. Well, it might be the good chance to rearrange my life plans once again, and set the new plans for 2008. I'm sick that I always look forward better life from tomorrow which would never come. If I go back to the states, a lot of things will be different. I have to deal with friends one more. Not just friends; they are like teachers who I have to think before opening my mouth. They are like that; very difficult to deal with. It feels like I have to be very respectful to them because I don't want to hurt their feelings, hence not be my friend anymore. Life is just hard as it seems like. Everyone is different and difficult as well. They think very differently, but at some point, they think pretty much same or similarly. I want to just travel alone, walking and thinking... relapsing my life. Leaving whole things coming up right now behind will be harder than I think it would be. It means I give up some point of my life. I waste some point of my time. It's a little bit sad that life doesn't give us chance to achieve and accomplish two things at the same time. It's not impossible, though. However, it is hard to distribute time equally and concentrate equally on both things.

Thinking in the other way, I want to go back to the states and learn new things from every moment- every experiences. I don't want to see him, but it is one step I need to learn how to deal with in my life. Boys are complicated creation in the world. They not only different from girls, but also they are important as hell. Thus, we care about them, and fall in love with them although we know it's pretty dangerous once you do. One, I have to deal with boy matter! Two, I need to learn standing on my own feet, not afraid of anything. The present comes slowly- be patient. Last, but not least, I need to feel how to smile genuienly without any pre-worries.