Monday, August 4, 2008
why my life sucks
eggwhite soap does have a good effect. okay. i'll buy one when i get back from america next winter. it seems faraway so let me stop mentioning about next time. why am i so ugly? i ask myself hundred million time but never get an answer because there is no answer. i am not kim tae hee i'm not even near to lee ji su. i have hundreds of complex including longtime complex jaw and skin and height and my thigh.....and calves. my personality for ever... and new complex to say, my nose, and my lip and my face in general, and one of my eyes.............. why am i so hateful to myself? what makes me this full of complex? why don't i love myself? is it that hard? or is it this world which makes me like this? no, i don't blame the world because who decides to make me like this is not the world but me, myself. maybe i just don't know how to appreciate myself, how to value myself, how to love myself.......or let others love myself. ;( it's so sad. from now on, i'm not going to expect anything on my beauty or looks. i'm ugly. that's all. i can never be like lee ji su. because she's so perfect from the birth and i'm not. i am going to try not hating myself but i'm not going to try hard to love myself because i never succeeded on that. i'm going to try hard to live as a nice person who helps others....who doesn't hate others. who doesn't have a bad feeling towards others. i'm going to enjoy swimming because under the water i'm free i don't have to think harder on myself... that's what i'm going to do
Friday, July 18, 2008
To do
monday wed friday schedule
7:00 wake up
8:00 morning
9:00 ~ 12:00 work perhaps?
12:00~ 1:00 lunch
1:00 ~ 4:00 classes
4:00 ~ 6:00 library
6:00 ~ 7:00 exercise
7:00 ~ 8:00 other activities
8:00 ~ 9:00 study
9:00 ~ 10:00 shower
10:00 ~ 11:00 other activity
11:00 ~ 11:30 stretch and 하늘자전거
11:30 go to bed
tue and thur schedule
7:00 wake up
breakfast
9:00~ 12:00 classes
12:00 lunch
1:00 ~3:00 work
3:00 ~ 6:00 classes
6:00 ~ 7:00 exercise
7:00 ~ 9:00 study
9:00 ~ 10:00 shower
10:00 ~ 11:00 other activity
11:30 sleep
7:00 wake up
8:00 morning
9:00 ~ 12:00 work perhaps?
12:00~ 1:00 lunch
1:00 ~ 4:00 classes
4:00 ~ 6:00 library
6:00 ~ 7:00 exercise
7:00 ~ 8:00 other activities
8:00 ~ 9:00 study
9:00 ~ 10:00 shower
10:00 ~ 11:00 other activity
11:00 ~ 11:30 stretch and 하늘자전거
11:30 go to bed
tue and thur schedule
7:00 wake up
breakfast
9:00~ 12:00 classes
12:00 lunch
1:00 ~3:00 work
3:00 ~ 6:00 classes
6:00 ~ 7:00 exercise
7:00 ~ 9:00 study
9:00 ~ 10:00 shower
10:00 ~ 11:00 other activity
11:30 sleep
getting bored and tired and sick simultaneously
I'm getting sick and tired of this life and the routine of my living. What am I doing here in Korea? I fell in love with a 16-years-old boy and I earned some money. That's all, isn't it? This loving someone who I shouldn't love leaves me only a reckless feeling and loneliness. I know I won't have a happily ever-after ending with him anyway. I am leaving in 25days or so. He will eventually forget about me and fall in love with another pretty girl who would be better than I am. I feel like crying listening to brown eyes' song. Now listening to Clay aiken's 'When I see you smile', I don't want to go back to America but, yes, there's some wish of going back to America because I can forget pretty much everything there. Still, I regret about relationships I've made througout last and this year. First of all, a relationship between me and youjin was crazy as far as I remember. I regret every bit of things between She and I. Even of the memory of going out with Aaron. That was shame. I hate that memory the most because if there wasn't that thing, it could've gone better than this. Second, why did I go so sensitive about everything back then and now on? I hold everything back on me until I become to feel good about those things. I never let those go because I am so possessitve of bad memories. I am afraid of every possible things. I use 'every' so many times because I am afraid of losing any bit of honesty.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Sunday, July 13, 2008
diet plan
Don't starve yourself!
The first instinct of many dieters is to put themselves on the starvation diet, but although this can help you quickly lose a couple of pounds, its not the right way to lose weight in the long run.
When your diet drops below 1000 calories, your body goes into 'starvation mode', which slows down your metabolism.
As well as feeling groggy and tired, you will be using far less calories than usual and making it even harder for yourself to lose weight! The answer is to eat a sustainable low-calorie diet, but never to make your body push the 'panic button' like this as it is counterproductive.
Also make sure to eat breakfast. If you skip it, your body will enter its 'starve' mode early in the day and it will be hard to break out. To keep your metabolism working all through the day, eat small, low calorie snacks between meals.
Decrease your alcohol consumption
That's right - stay off the booze! Although certainly not the most fun part of increasing your metabolism, cutting down your alcohol intake will help as much as anything. Studies show that alcohol suppresses the body's ability to burn fat.
It may be hard to completely cut alcohol out of an active social life, so why not try limiting yourself to one drink a night. If you make it a high-volume, low-alcohol drink (a lite beer for example), you might find it easier to get through the evening!
Black Pepper, Ginger, Chile Peppers
Spicy food doesn't just taste great, it actually increases your metabolism too. Black Pepper, Ginger and Chile Peppers all raise your body temperature and help you burn fat faster!
Careful though - the curries you find in restaurants are often oily and fatty, so cooking your own spicy food is always best.
Increase your muscle mass
Muscle burns 90% more calories than fat, so the more muscle you have the faster your metabolism will be. Going to the gym is not just a one-off attack on your fat cells - your new muscle will actually keep fighting that fat long after you leave the gym. Adding 5lbs of muscle will help you burn another 250 calories a day!
If you can't make it to the gym, then there are ways to make everyday activities into a workout. Carry your groceries home, walk the dog yourself, lift small weights while watching TV or take the stairs at work - it all helps!
Vitamin B and Calcium
The B-Vitamins give you more energy and increase your metabolism. Drinking coffee will increase your metabolism too, but Vitamin B is a much more healthy, sustainable way to do it. Make sure your daily supplement incorporates B-Vitamins and in particular B-12.
Recent research has found that 4 daily servings of low-fat dairy products can boost your body's fat-burning ability. Calcium actually increases your metabolism. So add some low-fat yogurts to your diet, maybe as a small snack between meals.
Drink More Water
Speed up your metabolism by drinking more water. A healthy, well-hydrated body is important to flush out toxins and aid in metabolizing fats. A simple way to determine if you are consuming enough water is to take note of the colour of your urine. If it is colorless or light yellow you are on the right track, if it's any darker you need to increase your water intake. Drinking ice water also helps the body expend more calories by heating it up.
Boost Your Omega-3 Fatty Acids
In recent studies it has been shown that an increased intake of Omega 3 fatty acids can help to balance blood sugar levels and control appetite. Good sources of this metabolism-boosting acid can be found in flax, hemp seeds, walnuts, pumpkin seeds, salmon, mackerel and herring. Many people use flax oil as a supplement.
Increase Your Iodine Intake
Increasing your Iodine intake can help stimulate thyroid gland function. The thyroid gland is responsible for regulating body metabolism and energy expenditure. Kelp extract supplements are a potent source of Iodine, as well as eating all different types of seaweeds and seafood.
Drink Green Tea!
Green tea regulates blood sugar levels by reducing the amount of insulin produced. This prevents fat being stored and keeps your appetite under control. A 1999 study showed that Green Tea extract resulted in a significant increase in energy expenditure.
EGCG, the main polyphenol in green tea, is an effective thermogenic which increases the metabolism of fat. This is not just a result of the caffeine in the tea, because those who lose weight on Green Tea lose more than those who were given caffeine alone.
Don't Stress If You Blow It!
If you fall off the wagon and completely blow your diet one day, it's not necessarily a bad thing. Your body is expecting a certain amount of calories a day, so a good pig-out will rev up that metabolism motor. So if one day a week you lose control, it's ok. Just forget about it and get back on track!
Drink More Water!
What are the three most important things to keep you healthy? Water, Water, Water!
As well as prolonging your life and keeping your internal organs (liver, kidney etc) clean and healthy, it also speeds up your metabolism and aids weight loss!
So always keep a bottle of water on your desk at work, and readily available at home. Water curbs your appetite, so a glass of water before a meal will stop you from overeating.
Sometimes the body mistakes thirst for hunger, and so you eat when you should really be drinking water! Keep yourself fully hydrated and your hunger will disappear.
As a model, complexion is really important. And besides being so healthy for your body, water will also keep you looking beautiful!
Take the Junk Food out of the Fridge!
Take away the temptation altogether! Get rid of the chips, the ice cream and the chocolate. We all have moments of weakness, so be prepared and make sure its a bowl of fruit you reach for rather than a jar of cookies!!
If you need a replacement for all these snacks, here are some ideas:
- Low calorie yogurt- Sweet potatoes- A bowl of chopped fruit- Dried fruits and nuts- Popcorn (Paul Newman's popcorn is great!)- Edamame, great to munch on with some salt
Reduce Your Stress Levels
Studies have shown that stress itself can cause weight gain. The body releases excess Cortisol in response to stress and this increases your reserves of stored abdominal fat. Stress also prompts emotional eating and binge drinking, both of which cause weight gain.
A few simple changes to your diet can do wonders for your stress levels. Stay off the coffee as much as possible, as it can cause jitters and anxiety. Try relaxing drinks like Chamomile or Kava Kava instead (click on the links to see more on our herbal remedies website).
Your lifestyle can also contribute to stress levels, so here are a couple of ideas to calm down when you get home. Meditation, Tai Chi and Yoga are excellent. A hot bath, to soothing music and candlelight, will also reduce your stress levels no end. And if that doesn't work, try convincing your partner to give you a relaxing massage.
A good support group is essential for a relaxed existence. Being surrounded by supportive and positive people is one of the very best things for your blood pressure. And lastly, don't forget your pets! Studies have shown that spending time with our furry friends reduces stress levels, so take some time after work to play with them!
Get More Sleep
Life is tough these days, and none of us really gets the sleep we need. But many people don't realise that sleep is actually one of the most effective (and easiest!) weight loss remedies. Your sleep time works in several ways to keep the weight off.
First, muscle is regenerated during the final hours of sleep. The longer that you sleep, the easier you will find it to add muscle mass and increase your metabolism. Those extra hours are the most crucial ones.
Secondly, those who sleep more produce less of a hormone named Cortisone, a nasty substance that comes with higher stress levels and contributes to belly fat.
Those who get only 4 or 5 hours of sleep a night also have higher levels of glucose and insulin in their blood, both of which increase your body's fat storage capability.
Several studies have shown the beneficial effect of sleep on a weight loss program, so get to bed early, take advantage of those extra hours at the weekend, and help yourself to lose weight!
The first instinct of many dieters is to put themselves on the starvation diet, but although this can help you quickly lose a couple of pounds, its not the right way to lose weight in the long run.
When your diet drops below 1000 calories, your body goes into 'starvation mode', which slows down your metabolism.
As well as feeling groggy and tired, you will be using far less calories than usual and making it even harder for yourself to lose weight! The answer is to eat a sustainable low-calorie diet, but never to make your body push the 'panic button' like this as it is counterproductive.
Also make sure to eat breakfast. If you skip it, your body will enter its 'starve' mode early in the day and it will be hard to break out. To keep your metabolism working all through the day, eat small, low calorie snacks between meals.
Decrease your alcohol consumption
That's right - stay off the booze! Although certainly not the most fun part of increasing your metabolism, cutting down your alcohol intake will help as much as anything. Studies show that alcohol suppresses the body's ability to burn fat.
It may be hard to completely cut alcohol out of an active social life, so why not try limiting yourself to one drink a night. If you make it a high-volume, low-alcohol drink (a lite beer for example), you might find it easier to get through the evening!
Black Pepper, Ginger, Chile Peppers
Spicy food doesn't just taste great, it actually increases your metabolism too. Black Pepper, Ginger and Chile Peppers all raise your body temperature and help you burn fat faster!
Careful though - the curries you find in restaurants are often oily and fatty, so cooking your own spicy food is always best.
Increase your muscle mass
Muscle burns 90% more calories than fat, so the more muscle you have the faster your metabolism will be. Going to the gym is not just a one-off attack on your fat cells - your new muscle will actually keep fighting that fat long after you leave the gym. Adding 5lbs of muscle will help you burn another 250 calories a day!
If you can't make it to the gym, then there are ways to make everyday activities into a workout. Carry your groceries home, walk the dog yourself, lift small weights while watching TV or take the stairs at work - it all helps!
Vitamin B and Calcium
The B-Vitamins give you more energy and increase your metabolism. Drinking coffee will increase your metabolism too, but Vitamin B is a much more healthy, sustainable way to do it. Make sure your daily supplement incorporates B-Vitamins and in particular B-12.
Recent research has found that 4 daily servings of low-fat dairy products can boost your body's fat-burning ability. Calcium actually increases your metabolism. So add some low-fat yogurts to your diet, maybe as a small snack between meals.
Drink More Water
Speed up your metabolism by drinking more water. A healthy, well-hydrated body is important to flush out toxins and aid in metabolizing fats. A simple way to determine if you are consuming enough water is to take note of the colour of your urine. If it is colorless or light yellow you are on the right track, if it's any darker you need to increase your water intake. Drinking ice water also helps the body expend more calories by heating it up.
Boost Your Omega-3 Fatty Acids
In recent studies it has been shown that an increased intake of Omega 3 fatty acids can help to balance blood sugar levels and control appetite. Good sources of this metabolism-boosting acid can be found in flax, hemp seeds, walnuts, pumpkin seeds, salmon, mackerel and herring. Many people use flax oil as a supplement.
Increase Your Iodine Intake
Increasing your Iodine intake can help stimulate thyroid gland function. The thyroid gland is responsible for regulating body metabolism and energy expenditure. Kelp extract supplements are a potent source of Iodine, as well as eating all different types of seaweeds and seafood.
Drink Green Tea!
Green tea regulates blood sugar levels by reducing the amount of insulin produced. This prevents fat being stored and keeps your appetite under control. A 1999 study showed that Green Tea extract resulted in a significant increase in energy expenditure.
EGCG, the main polyphenol in green tea, is an effective thermogenic which increases the metabolism of fat. This is not just a result of the caffeine in the tea, because those who lose weight on Green Tea lose more than those who were given caffeine alone.
Don't Stress If You Blow It!
If you fall off the wagon and completely blow your diet one day, it's not necessarily a bad thing. Your body is expecting a certain amount of calories a day, so a good pig-out will rev up that metabolism motor. So if one day a week you lose control, it's ok. Just forget about it and get back on track!
Drink More Water!
What are the three most important things to keep you healthy? Water, Water, Water!
As well as prolonging your life and keeping your internal organs (liver, kidney etc) clean and healthy, it also speeds up your metabolism and aids weight loss!
So always keep a bottle of water on your desk at work, and readily available at home. Water curbs your appetite, so a glass of water before a meal will stop you from overeating.
Sometimes the body mistakes thirst for hunger, and so you eat when you should really be drinking water! Keep yourself fully hydrated and your hunger will disappear.
As a model, complexion is really important. And besides being so healthy for your body, water will also keep you looking beautiful!
Take the Junk Food out of the Fridge!
Take away the temptation altogether! Get rid of the chips, the ice cream and the chocolate. We all have moments of weakness, so be prepared and make sure its a bowl of fruit you reach for rather than a jar of cookies!!
If you need a replacement for all these snacks, here are some ideas:
- Low calorie yogurt- Sweet potatoes- A bowl of chopped fruit- Dried fruits and nuts- Popcorn (Paul Newman's popcorn is great!)- Edamame, great to munch on with some salt
Reduce Your Stress Levels
Studies have shown that stress itself can cause weight gain. The body releases excess Cortisol in response to stress and this increases your reserves of stored abdominal fat. Stress also prompts emotional eating and binge drinking, both of which cause weight gain.
A few simple changes to your diet can do wonders for your stress levels. Stay off the coffee as much as possible, as it can cause jitters and anxiety. Try relaxing drinks like Chamomile or Kava Kava instead (click on the links to see more on our herbal remedies website).
Your lifestyle can also contribute to stress levels, so here are a couple of ideas to calm down when you get home. Meditation, Tai Chi and Yoga are excellent. A hot bath, to soothing music and candlelight, will also reduce your stress levels no end. And if that doesn't work, try convincing your partner to give you a relaxing massage.
A good support group is essential for a relaxed existence. Being surrounded by supportive and positive people is one of the very best things for your blood pressure. And lastly, don't forget your pets! Studies have shown that spending time with our furry friends reduces stress levels, so take some time after work to play with them!
Get More Sleep
Life is tough these days, and none of us really gets the sleep we need. But many people don't realise that sleep is actually one of the most effective (and easiest!) weight loss remedies. Your sleep time works in several ways to keep the weight off.
First, muscle is regenerated during the final hours of sleep. The longer that you sleep, the easier you will find it to add muscle mass and increase your metabolism. Those extra hours are the most crucial ones.
Secondly, those who sleep more produce less of a hormone named Cortisone, a nasty substance that comes with higher stress levels and contributes to belly fat.
Those who get only 4 or 5 hours of sleep a night also have higher levels of glucose and insulin in their blood, both of which increase your body's fat storage capability.
Several studies have shown the beneficial effect of sleep on a weight loss program, so get to bed early, take advantage of those extra hours at the weekend, and help yourself to lose weight!
So what?
Morning: few cracker pieces, 2 sneakers chocolates, 2 of whole cheese cookies
Lunch: mixed rice with pickled cabbage
Dinner: 3 piece of pizza
I've been pigging out lately mostly because of lots of stress accumulated since I got to know him better. I want to ask myself what could be the most problem to make a relationship with him. Is it age difference between me and him? or is it my personality which prevents me to get to know him more than better? I'm afraid of meeting him in person rather than talking on the phone or just texting. The biggest fear is that he is not going to like me anymore if we really meet in person and if I let him know me better inch by inch. He may think me perfect to him or something but the thing is I'm not and he will find out pretty soon about my faulties. My dirty and terrible skin and shy personality and that sort. But, the thing is I like him so much so bad that I can't help but thinking about him everyday, every moment.. Even so, it's almost coming to me as pain. I hesitate between two choices; one is to give up on him or another, to keep liking him and get hurt eventually. Both sounds terrible to me, though.
The goal to make through in US next semester.
1. Diet for more than 1 year ( LOSE WEIGHT TILL 43kg = 95 pounds
August
128 pounds (58kg)
September
122 pounds (55kg)
October
116 pounds (52kg)
November
110 pounds (49.8kg)
December
104 pounds(47kg)
January
98 pounds(44kg)
February
92 pounds (42kg)
From then, to keep in shape around 42kg is my goal
2. Get 4.0 in first semester... please!
Review after class, do the homework right away in library, meet the professor once a week, hang out with friends in Friday for sure, sorority stuff, work dilligently, don't spend more money than $100 except first month, keep the record of outcome and income, study french and japanese, get invovle in research project
My dream is to go to great psychology graduate school and become a school psychologist!! Remember it and don't forget it. it's more important than falling in love with some weirdos.
Lunch: mixed rice with pickled cabbage
Dinner: 3 piece of pizza
I've been pigging out lately mostly because of lots of stress accumulated since I got to know him better. I want to ask myself what could be the most problem to make a relationship with him. Is it age difference between me and him? or is it my personality which prevents me to get to know him more than better? I'm afraid of meeting him in person rather than talking on the phone or just texting. The biggest fear is that he is not going to like me anymore if we really meet in person and if I let him know me better inch by inch. He may think me perfect to him or something but the thing is I'm not and he will find out pretty soon about my faulties. My dirty and terrible skin and shy personality and that sort. But, the thing is I like him so much so bad that I can't help but thinking about him everyday, every moment.. Even so, it's almost coming to me as pain. I hesitate between two choices; one is to give up on him or another, to keep liking him and get hurt eventually. Both sounds terrible to me, though.
The goal to make through in US next semester.
1. Diet for more than 1 year ( LOSE WEIGHT TILL 43kg = 95 pounds
August
128 pounds (58kg)
September
122 pounds (55kg)
October
116 pounds (52kg)
November
110 pounds (49.8kg)
December
104 pounds(47kg)
January
98 pounds(44kg)
February
92 pounds (42kg)
From then, to keep in shape around 42kg is my goal
2. Get 4.0 in first semester... please!
Review after class, do the homework right away in library, meet the professor once a week, hang out with friends in Friday for sure, sorority stuff, work dilligently, don't spend more money than $100 except first month, keep the record of outcome and income, study french and japanese, get invovle in research project
My dream is to go to great psychology graduate school and become a school psychologist!! Remember it and don't forget it. it's more important than falling in love with some weirdos.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
something called destiny
Maybe there really exists something called destiny. I never believed it because of its ridiculous randomness and too much of justfication. But, now that I've faced few of destinies by myself, I kind of became to believe its existence.
It came most obvious to me when I found out about Nellie McKay, the singer with a voice I fell in love with in just about a second. I have been always looking for good singers with attractive voices, but it never was easy for me to just find them with meticulous efforts. I rather tend to find them very randomly. I watched the movie 'P.S. I love you' pretty much randomlny on the airplane. I was quite interested in the actress who played holly's sister, knowing nothing about her singing career. But then, I typed her name in Youtube which brought me a whole bunch of her singing performances. Her songs were all my favorite. I simply fell in love with her voice. Yet, it was not manipulated by my effort. It just came very naturally and spontaneously. If that's what destiny worked for, then I thank for it.
Not only that, I experienced more deep sense of destinies these few days. Well, I had ever hated Chris from the boy group 'battle' due to his girly voice and feminized gesture. A year later, which is now, I fell in love with him, not excluding his girly voice and feminized gesture. To love someone, I thought I have to love him completely. I don't really like someone with girly voice. But, now I just accepted it as part of his characteristic and unique, yet, attractive point. Destiny changed me so to speak. Doesn't it quite make sense?
Well, although I am not adherent to destiny or destiny advocate or something. But, what I believe in is once you tie yourself up in destiny, there's no possibly many ways to get out of it. The important thing, therefore, is to relax and not bound by destiny, then destiny will come along without any tying up or caging you in. That's, at least, I learned from my destiny.
It came most obvious to me when I found out about Nellie McKay, the singer with a voice I fell in love with in just about a second. I have been always looking for good singers with attractive voices, but it never was easy for me to just find them with meticulous efforts. I rather tend to find them very randomly. I watched the movie 'P.S. I love you' pretty much randomlny on the airplane. I was quite interested in the actress who played holly's sister, knowing nothing about her singing career. But then, I typed her name in Youtube which brought me a whole bunch of her singing performances. Her songs were all my favorite. I simply fell in love with her voice. Yet, it was not manipulated by my effort. It just came very naturally and spontaneously. If that's what destiny worked for, then I thank for it.
Not only that, I experienced more deep sense of destinies these few days. Well, I had ever hated Chris from the boy group 'battle' due to his girly voice and feminized gesture. A year later, which is now, I fell in love with him, not excluding his girly voice and feminized gesture. To love someone, I thought I have to love him completely. I don't really like someone with girly voice. But, now I just accepted it as part of his characteristic and unique, yet, attractive point. Destiny changed me so to speak. Doesn't it quite make sense?
Well, although I am not adherent to destiny or destiny advocate or something. But, what I believe in is once you tie yourself up in destiny, there's no possibly many ways to get out of it. The important thing, therefore, is to relax and not bound by destiny, then destiny will come along without any tying up or caging you in. That's, at least, I learned from my destiny.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Yes, I'm getting used to it.
The fact that I'm getting used to my new job, an English teacher is pretty damn good to be true, yet I don't realize to my skin. Now, I got sort of routine to how to work on my schedule that is already set by the academy. I know how to make students shut their mouth now, though it's still really hard. Without any big trouble, I've managed until here, and, yes, almost 1 week passed since I started. Should I be proud of myself? I don't know. I still feel a little bit awkward between the environment of the academy and a whole crowd of students. It's like I'm unwelcomed third wheel or something? Yeah. That's quite right. I'm leaving in 2 months or maybe a month, if anything goes wrong, like the principle doesn't feel satisfied with my work or something. But, it's too soon to be afraid. Well, if I get fired, then at least I'm free. That's what I surely feel great about. So, I'm not going to mention about fire yet.... until I lose myself in unsureness of my work.
The biggest trouble, if I made any, would be that I fell in love with somewhat inapporpriate person to do so. Who said, age is nothing but a number? I wish it were the truth of all in the world of knowledge. To me, it seems like some kind of excuse that people make to justify their situation. So am I. He is only 16 years old in Korean age while I'm 20 years old. There's 4 years of gap, which seems bigger than it could be. More than just a number, me being a college student or, yeah, maybe a temporary teacher, and him being a middle school student make big difference. 4 years old difference is nothing considering this world allows even 20 years old apart couple to tie a knot. But, I'm pure soul of who never cross the line of taboo of some sort. I always like someone who's not in my age; older than I or younger than I. Well, to be specific and accurate, this is my first time to like someone who's younger than I. Grr-e-at. What an absolutely fucking situation I am in. I'm a teacher and he's a student. Is this a some kind of Korean drama? Hell, say 'no', pleassssse.
Time is flying faster than ever in America. So, who knows? This heart could dry before I head back to America. Wish whispers to me, "Do please"
The biggest trouble, if I made any, would be that I fell in love with somewhat inapporpriate person to do so. Who said, age is nothing but a number? I wish it were the truth of all in the world of knowledge. To me, it seems like some kind of excuse that people make to justify their situation. So am I. He is only 16 years old in Korean age while I'm 20 years old. There's 4 years of gap, which seems bigger than it could be. More than just a number, me being a college student or, yeah, maybe a temporary teacher, and him being a middle school student make big difference. 4 years old difference is nothing considering this world allows even 20 years old apart couple to tie a knot. But, I'm pure soul of who never cross the line of taboo of some sort. I always like someone who's not in my age; older than I or younger than I. Well, to be specific and accurate, this is my first time to like someone who's younger than I. Grr-e-at. What an absolutely fucking situation I am in. I'm a teacher and he's a student. Is this a some kind of Korean drama? Hell, say 'no', pleassssse.
Time is flying faster than ever in America. So, who knows? This heart could dry before I head back to America. Wish whispers to me, "Do please"
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
young, is it a problem?
I always thought being young is something you'd feel proud of or you can brag about. Nothing falls down as a reason why I thought so. I can't think any of 'em. But, somewhat I had kept thinking so, until now. Now that I got job at English private institution, being young is something you have to avoid to let others know by any means. The kids there can think you easy or something so treat you really bad. They asked me how old I am. So, I just gave them right answer. And, the head teacher 'princess' was like, "you are not supposed to tell them your real age. It'd be better to just tell them you are 25 years old or something" I know she is right. She has more experience on this case. But, I still felt very embarrased. I felt helpless about it, about my age, being young as I am. Okay, gosh, I want to be 25 years old right now if I can.
So far, I had a chance to teach 4 classes. Well, how was it? It was hard. Not just hard, but really takes lots of energy out of me. First class was for young kids like 8 to 9 years old girls and boys. It wasn't that hard. They didn't really understand my English when I spoke in uncontrollably fast speed. But, they listened to me and paid attention on the class not like the Second class kids. Students in the second class were composed of 10 years and 11 years old boys and girls. They were fucking brats. They didn't listen to me once, just did whatever they wanted to do. They were rude as well. It really pissed me off when they spoke up and all screamed at the same time. One girl even cried at the last minute of class because she lost the game so that couldn't get the sticker which is equivalent to money. I don't even think about them anymore. They were the best at being the devil!!! The third class was definitely better than other classes I took before it. They were mostly in the last year of elementary school, so it was easy to teach them, except one girl was really crazy keeping the whole class distracted by her unnecessary and weird behaviors. The last class was TEPS class. So, they were the top student in the academy. It helped me because they REALLY listened to me. However, the problem this time was not them, but me. I couldn't teach them really well due to my English or Korean skill. Argh. I hate it! Like, I really know what those all mean in English, but I can't help not knowing equivalent Korean words for them. I struggled a lot for this class, and I guess it won't let me go away from struggles unless I don't teach this class anymore.
The experience in English academy in Korea doesn't end in here because I have 2 more months to fully experience. I'm quite scared. But, who knows? I can maybe do much better or I can be fired today or tomorrow...sooner or later. But, this can surely be really a good experience for me, at least I hope!
So far, I had a chance to teach 4 classes. Well, how was it? It was hard. Not just hard, but really takes lots of energy out of me. First class was for young kids like 8 to 9 years old girls and boys. It wasn't that hard. They didn't really understand my English when I spoke in uncontrollably fast speed. But, they listened to me and paid attention on the class not like the Second class kids. Students in the second class were composed of 10 years and 11 years old boys and girls. They were fucking brats. They didn't listen to me once, just did whatever they wanted to do. They were rude as well. It really pissed me off when they spoke up and all screamed at the same time. One girl even cried at the last minute of class because she lost the game so that couldn't get the sticker which is equivalent to money. I don't even think about them anymore. They were the best at being the devil!!! The third class was definitely better than other classes I took before it. They were mostly in the last year of elementary school, so it was easy to teach them, except one girl was really crazy keeping the whole class distracted by her unnecessary and weird behaviors. The last class was TEPS class. So, they were the top student in the academy. It helped me because they REALLY listened to me. However, the problem this time was not them, but me. I couldn't teach them really well due to my English or Korean skill. Argh. I hate it! Like, I really know what those all mean in English, but I can't help not knowing equivalent Korean words for them. I struggled a lot for this class, and I guess it won't let me go away from struggles unless I don't teach this class anymore.
The experience in English academy in Korea doesn't end in here because I have 2 more months to fully experience. I'm quite scared. But, who knows? I can maybe do much better or I can be fired today or tomorrow...sooner or later. But, this can surely be really a good experience for me, at least I hope!
Monday, May 19, 2008
Yikes!
Life has been cool so far. I got Lasik surgery and I got new sight. I'm happy as I can be, yet I feel like I'm still missing something very important in my life. But, yeah, I am obviously happier than before when I was absolute blind. Back to the Lasik surgery, it was, oh, shit, scary! I was not even nervous about the surgery. Come on, I've never had any operation or surgery before in my life. Well, except probably when I was really little and had that bruise on my head so that it had to be stitched 12 times. I barely remember the moment of surgery, though. So, it doesn't count as real surgery experience. This apparently was my first time to have something big operation as television drama shows. Going into the operation room, and doctors and nurses all wearing some green or blue gown and mask; that was what the first impression of surgery was. And, I thought, well, it could be fun and exciting somehow. That's why I wasn't nervous at all. Guess what? It didn't last long. I was really nervous when I laid down on the operation bed. It was the scariest time in my life so far. Doctor said I need to keep looking at one razor point and it was really hard when my sight was gone completely. It was all blank with one red radar. I went unsure whether if I was looking still at the point or lost my concentration. Besides of it, it really hurt, especially for the first 2 minutes or so. The worst part is that I could really see what was going on with my own eyes since I still had the vision. But, the surgery was successful, anyway. And, I'm pretty happy about it except I need to take care of my eyes seriously. I might not be allowed to do computer right now. It's been an hour and 28 minutes since I turned on the computer. Gosh, I need a computer.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
poor realization that doesn't need to be realized.
A quick realization I made few minutes ago is that I do not have talent at anything whatsoever. I always believed that I do have a talent at learning languages just because I enjoy learning it, not that I am superior to anyone on it or anything. I saw soorin's video today and heard her English. It was damn good. I mean, it was similar to stephanie's English which also is fluent and that with barely no accent. When Christina told me she has no accent, I was shocked, well, rather I want to put it in to word 'appalled' because I want to speak better English than hers. Do I just strive to prove I have talent, at least, at one thing? or Do I just want to be better than others. I don't know. That's the question which confuses me so damn bad.
It makes sense that their English has got to be better than mine because they came to the states way earlier than I did. They may hung out with American only compared to me who was pretty much loner at first time in Oregon. Gosh, I tried, though. Okay, Maybe not. It doesn't really matter, though. I still want to be better. I still want to speak fucking good English than them. I want to succeed. And, in my perspective, success in America is related to proficient English skill. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Because of English, why do my talent have to be belittled? I am very talented young Korean girl who knows what I want to do in my life. I want to become school psychologist. That's all; not an artist who eats dream to grow, fucking doctor, lawyer whose money rolls across their room, and all sorts of jobs I don't want and I don't need. It would be hell good to have those jobs because money comes to my hand. But, I know I don't want it from my heart. Insicere and meaningless job is not worth to get. I want to have a job that I want to do for rest of my lifetime.
So, I got off on tangent. Sorry about that. I started this from speaking of English and how I felt misery about realization of lack of my talent on language. Well, maybe it could be hasty generalization. Part of my reason to be shy and introvert, I am good at writing essay. I am good at analyzing stuff in English. I am trying to think in English pretty much everytime. One thing that hinders my English improvement could be my personality, fucking self-consciousness. Other than that, 2 year of English learning, well, to be specific, maybe 1 year of interval between that, my English is so damn good for now. It will be better by tomorrow and day after tomorrow. I believe so. I am trying to believe so. My heart for language has grew bigger than my misery and depression grown on me. I can't give up untill I get sick of language and throw it up to the hill or something... but, I'm still depressed for some reasons. I know I will never get rid of this accent. This is like when I worry about my height that I can never solve because it's already set up on my body due to power of genes. I won't be able to do something on which I was born with. All I can do is to find a midway solution for it. And, what could be the solution, then? Just accept the fact that my English is never gonna be as good as theirs?
It makes sense that their English has got to be better than mine because they came to the states way earlier than I did. They may hung out with American only compared to me who was pretty much loner at first time in Oregon. Gosh, I tried, though. Okay, Maybe not. It doesn't really matter, though. I still want to be better. I still want to speak fucking good English than them. I want to succeed. And, in my perspective, success in America is related to proficient English skill. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Because of English, why do my talent have to be belittled? I am very talented young Korean girl who knows what I want to do in my life. I want to become school psychologist. That's all; not an artist who eats dream to grow, fucking doctor, lawyer whose money rolls across their room, and all sorts of jobs I don't want and I don't need. It would be hell good to have those jobs because money comes to my hand. But, I know I don't want it from my heart. Insicere and meaningless job is not worth to get. I want to have a job that I want to do for rest of my lifetime.
So, I got off on tangent. Sorry about that. I started this from speaking of English and how I felt misery about realization of lack of my talent on language. Well, maybe it could be hasty generalization. Part of my reason to be shy and introvert, I am good at writing essay. I am good at analyzing stuff in English. I am trying to think in English pretty much everytime. One thing that hinders my English improvement could be my personality, fucking self-consciousness. Other than that, 2 year of English learning, well, to be specific, maybe 1 year of interval between that, my English is so damn good for now. It will be better by tomorrow and day after tomorrow. I believe so. I am trying to believe so. My heart for language has grew bigger than my misery and depression grown on me. I can't give up untill I get sick of language and throw it up to the hill or something... but, I'm still depressed for some reasons. I know I will never get rid of this accent. This is like when I worry about my height that I can never solve because it's already set up on my body due to power of genes. I won't be able to do something on which I was born with. All I can do is to find a midway solution for it. And, what could be the solution, then? Just accept the fact that my English is never gonna be as good as theirs?
Monday, May 12, 2008
combination of mad-ness and sad-ness
well. to start this off, i should mention how much i hate my sister. she's just crazy. she's out of her mind sometimes. how scary it is that sometimes 'sometimes' refer to 'forever'. she is my sister. i love her sometimes. but i hate her more than anything sometimes. what should i do after all, though. she's my sister no matter what happens unless i was born before her or my mom decided abortion of her. i can't break a relationship between me and her just because we are doomed to be sister forever by blood, that damn blood. i almost got in fight with her right after mom and younger sis left for ulsan. she wanted to meet this younger-than-her boy without any consolation with me. that made me a little bit annoyed first, and then she went, "he speaks better english than you. so don't worry about meeting him. he's pretty easy to be friend." what the heck? i didn't want her to say that kind of thing. i mean, my english may not be 'the perfect' one. but i have always been proud of my english and when someone breaks in my realm of pride, then i go freaking mad, no kidding, i reall do get upset. it would be much better to not make me mad when someone mention i look uglier than someone. that can still hurt me greatly, but it wouldn't as much as someone talk bad about my english. english is my passion. i live for learning languages. when gotten so frustrated and depressed about this world, i still manage to live because there are so many languages to learn of. it's too sad to end the life when i haven't learned at least 5 languages. i can barely speak 4 languages.. that's really making me sad. adding to that, being able to speak some languages doesn't directly mean that one can speak the languages perfectly or fluently. i speak korean perfectly becuase it's god damn native language. i speak english somewhat fluently because even though there's inaccuracies all over my english, i can still manage to deliver whatever i want to say to american people. i speak japanese with good pronunciation and hardly any accent. i speak french with lots of mistakes and it's not even in intermidiate level yet. i'm still suffering from elementary french and sad thing is i don't even know am i going to really study french hard enough because i don't take french class anymore. but, yeah, still the reason you live a life is because you've got a passion. without a passion, life is worthless and meaningless. you will never know which way you are heading to or which goal you are pursuing for, when you do something with no passion. especically, if you are playing some kind of instrument, no passion will put you into some musical academy teacher, not making you a great musician. ;( isn't it sad? you play fucking hard to get in music school with scholarships, and then you become some kind of baggar. well, not that i mean teachers are boring and tedious job or something. but it doesn't give you money. right? it won't do any good to you when thinking of it. you pay hella lot of money for music, and then get paid for nothing. then, it's misery rather than pleasure. so, who knows whose life. you only know it and your passion has to do something for your life. my passion obviously isn't a medical school thingy. i am interested in what? i don't even know. my interests go to languages.. but i never can speak english or japanese with no accent. it often frustrates me. julia, one of soorin's friend in parsons, won the first prize in writing competition, and she is not even a native english speaker. competing with a lot of english major and native english speakers, she won the competition. well, more than that, she got a gut to turn in her essay to admission office. i couldn't have done that probably... because i usually preassume that my english sucks and admission offciers might laugh at me due to fucking deluded my english. but, i am not english native speaker. it's gotta be really hard to speak good speaker for american people. i've gotta be really proud of myself for being able to speak 4 languages although not perfect yet. i am afraid, though, to make mistakes and being laughed at, since i've got a lot of experiences and terrible memories of being fun of. i am scared to make it happen again because it's bitter thing to experience, or even feel it imagine it. my goal so from today on is to be braver than i have been. to believe in myself with full of love for myself has been a great deal of my goal but now i turn it off for a while becuase it hasn't made any effects yet, which is, yes, frustrating and depressing me. i will still work on it for sure because it is something i set for life time goal; but i am just saying i am giving it a break for a while. i just don't have time for thinking two things at the same time, or it could mean a lack of my ability to do 2 things at once. the fact there are always people who do things i aspire for when i can't inspires me to the great extent. yet i want to be like them, i still want to be more special than them? yeah. i know. it's kinda absurd to look for them and look for bigger myself at the same time. but, i am still living in self-egocentrism maybe? haha. well, i will write later. too much words are sick to look at and chew for.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
semester is over
Semester is over. Grades I've achieved this semester seem not that bad if to consider I've got awful grades last semester. Darn. I've struggled through this semesester more than I did in last semester, though. With some professors difficult to deal with, I somehow had to work so hard to impress them..... except I didn't really. Haha. Well, it is still true that I had some really strict and stubborn professors such as Dr.Parker or Dr.Siewert. They are both super nice people and they are very open-minded which is quite important to me when judging people if they are worth becoming friends or not. I learned a lot from both classes which are Elementary French and American National Government. I especially become interested in politics a little bit more than I used to be. So, all are good after all. Not everything can satisfy me as I learned this semester. However, if you try harder, it would benefit you even a little bit. I realized that I don't always need to be satisfied with everything I do. I sometimes need regrets over something so that I can learn from it and grow up a little bit. You can acknolwedge your weakness from your mistakes. It is really hard to be found out by little efforts from success. Because success usually keeps you roaming in a dream for unlimited time. So, I want to think it good way. ;) a way to keep me from arrogance and senseless dreams and full of dramas.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
January 9th Sick and Tired
I'm sick and tired. I really am in the state like that. There's only 3 days left until I leave for U.S.A. and it suddenly makes me very nervous even though it's not first time. I worry about all the things that would not happen if it's not meant to. I may have an anxiety disorder. It's very likely. But, the thing is I don't want to take a medicine for that because it somehow make me look like psycho. I don't want to go back to the states. Well, it might be the good chance to rearrange my life plans once again, and set the new plans for 2008. I'm sick that I always look forward better life from tomorrow which would never come. If I go back to the states, a lot of things will be different. I have to deal with friends one more. Not just friends; they are like teachers who I have to think before opening my mouth. They are like that; very difficult to deal with. It feels like I have to be very respectful to them because I don't want to hurt their feelings, hence not be my friend anymore. Life is just hard as it seems like. Everyone is different and difficult as well. They think very differently, but at some point, they think pretty much same or similarly. I want to just travel alone, walking and thinking... relapsing my life. Leaving whole things coming up right now behind will be harder than I think it would be. It means I give up some point of my life. I waste some point of my time. It's a little bit sad that life doesn't give us chance to achieve and accomplish two things at the same time. It's not impossible, though. However, it is hard to distribute time equally and concentrate equally on both things.
Thinking in the other way, I want to go back to the states and learn new things from every moment- every experiences. I don't want to see him, but it is one step I need to learn how to deal with in my life. Boys are complicated creation in the world. They not only different from girls, but also they are important as hell. Thus, we care about them, and fall in love with them although we know it's pretty dangerous once you do. One, I have to deal with boy matter! Two, I need to learn standing on my own feet, not afraid of anything. The present comes slowly- be patient. Last, but not least, I need to feel how to smile genuienly without any pre-worries.
Thinking in the other way, I want to go back to the states and learn new things from every moment- every experiences. I don't want to see him, but it is one step I need to learn how to deal with in my life. Boys are complicated creation in the world. They not only different from girls, but also they are important as hell. Thus, we care about them, and fall in love with them although we know it's pretty dangerous once you do. One, I have to deal with boy matter! Two, I need to learn standing on my own feet, not afraid of anything. The present comes slowly- be patient. Last, but not least, I need to feel how to smile genuienly without any pre-worries.
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